Something that honestly has been something hard for me to come to grips with. I want to be able to do everything that a "normal" person can do, and having something so huge I can't do it actually hard.
After being able to drive for over a year and what feels like suddenly having that taken from you is hard. I fought like hell to get that license to begin with, so it almost feels like a slap in the face. BUT I also know that I had an opportunity given to me that most people with a visual impairment never get a chance to do.
I needed one last shebang before I gave up on the dream of driving again altogether. I had to do the demolition derby again...
I did the demolition derby the year before I started losing a ton of my vision, and had a blast even though I got out as one of the first cars. I have wanted to do it every year since. It really is an adrenaline rush!! So as this years Demolition Derby approached, I called my dad to see if we were building a car to put in for his company. I told him that if the car survived, I was powder puffing it. At that time, I didn't put much thought into it, I just put dibs on the car beforehand.
After this summer and everything I have done through NFB, the idea just sparked in my head. It took off like a wildfire. I needed to do it. I needed to prove the world wrong, and that even though I had a disability, it was not about to slow me down from doing everything and anything I wanted to do, even if that thing was to go out with a crazy idea to crash a car in an arena full of dirt and other cars.
The week of the 24th, I called my dad multiple times to make sure I had all of the stuff I needed to do it. I knew that there was a chance I wouldn't be able to due to us having a main heat driver, but I had already set my head and my heart into doing it. I was going to be literally crushed if I couldn't.
The car was build, the driver was ready, but it wasn't looking promising for me to be able to do it. Our main heat driver Ted had gotten out, and it didn't look like the car would be driving out of that arena. My extended family said sorry, but I had that hope it may work still, I wasn't ready to give up on this dream.
"Unfortunately, there are electrical issues." My dad told me. I started crying, no joke. I walked away. It didn't look like I was going to be able to do it. "The car drives backwards." At first, I had just given up on the idea. I was mad, I said it was fine and went and sat back down, But after sitting for probably 30 seconds, this wildfire burning in my head just would not let this idea go. I told my dad I would compete backwards.
Our driver told me he was doing everything he could to get it going again, and I started crying. In my heart, I knew it was basically this year or no year. I knew that this year I still trusted my eyes enough to do this, but I'm really not sure where my eyes will be next year because they were different that last year, that I knew if I wanted to do this somewhat safely it would have to be now.
"Hold my earrings, I'm going in." I took off all my jewelry and headed down to the gate. I hung out down there for a while until I had the paperwork filled out so I could go out to the pits.
I keep referring to this wildfire burning in my head, but thats the only way to explain it. This idea to show the world I can do whatever I want even though I'm Legally blind. I got to my car, and after getting in (Note to world: don't wear skinny high waisted jeans to derby.) getting my helmet and neck brace on, I was informed they were able to get one forward gear going. I had a chance!
I somehow passed the seatbelt check (my seatbelt was so messed up beforehand and I was just getting it working as I was literally driving out.) and was in the arena. I said a little prayer and all I could think was oh my god!
The announcer said go and I was out! After my first hit, my seatbelt came undone! HOLY HECK! THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD! I wasn't going to pull my flag because of a seatbelt issue! I kept going.
I did only get to make 3 hits and take a couple hits before my transmission finished dying out, but I wasn't the first car out! I was about the 3rd or 4th!! I was sad though that I got out like that! my car still started, but I couldn't get it to go forward or backwards! ugh!!
At the end, the announcer was informed by I believe my little brother that I was legally blind. He announced it to the audience. I secretly hope someone heard me scream in an arena "I don't need eyes to drive a car."
I didn't win. I didn't even get third. But I had the chance to drive one last time. Its been two years since I've gotten behind the wheel of a car, and it felt so right being back, almost as if for those 10 minutes, I was normal. Behind that helmet and that big hunk of metal, I was just like everyone else after that same thing. That chance to win. And I was able to prove my point, that I can do whatever I want and my disability isn't about to stop me from living my dreams.
I don't know if there will be a "next time." Maybe my eyes are stable now and my eyes will be the same next year as they are now, or maybe in a years time, I won't have anything left. The not knowing is the hardest thing on me. I knew in my heart though that this may have been my last chance to do this. (although if I go completely blind, I'm so doing it!!)
I have some pretty lovely bruises from not wearing a seatbelt the rest of the time, and I was pretty sore yesterday. My knee was swollen, but I know it was for a good cause. One day when there is a car that blind people can drive, I will know that this was only for a moment to prove to the world!
Nothing is going to stand in my way!
But oh my goodness, I already want to do this again next year!!!
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