Trying to Succeed

When I started college, there was a little something in my heart telling me I wasn't ready...but I went anyways....and it's becomming more and more aparent to me that I needed to do something else first...

So let's get on to today: my English professor calls me into her office...my class is split into half online, half in class...and the online stuff is killing me..and my grade was suffering...

Anyways, she called me into her office and I completely broke down...it all became too real...like what if I fail this class? I don't want to be a failure! I WANT TO BE A NORMAL COLLEGE KID! 

...I broke down crying right there, in her office...like a total moron...but I couldn't stop...

MY PROFESSOR WAS AMAZING THOUGH...! 

She knew the accomodations I had just weren't working..so she spent over 20 minutes figuring out something that would work for both of us...

"Writing is NOT about how well you can type a paper, it's how you lay out your words and how it flows together. I don't care if you turn it in hand written, typed large, or you read the words and submit it audio." 

So she now has new accomodations for me:

• Two extra hours on assignments that MUST be turned in online. (Everything used to be due by 10:00 AM, she has entended my time until 12:00 PM) it doesn't seem that big, but to me, it's HUGE!
• She will accept my reading notes handwritten instead of being posted to canvas...one less assignment due on canvas.
• She will now give me hard copies of reading material instead of it being online. This way, I can blow it up to read easier.
• Unless otherwise stated by her, she will accept most online day assignments written.

She also gave me credit for the few assignments turned in late.

She was so helpful, amazing, and willing to do whatever it took to help me succeed. I am beyond grateful to have such an amazing professor...

CANE STRIKE!

So, I have a story, and you have to promise not to laugh(even though I continue laughing about it daily)!

late last week, I needed to run to Burlington Coat Factory to pick some stuff up, and I figured I didn't need my cane…I wanted to be "normal"even if it was for just a day… anyway, back to the story..

the bus stop to go to Burlington is on the same side a street as the store, and basically right through the parking lot, so I got there with no problems, going home was another story.

The bus stop is on the opposite side of the street when going back, and I didn't know exactly where it was, but I knew it wouldn't be hard to find, so I cross the street and get to what I THINK is the bus stop…Well, it wasn't.

I watched a bus pass, and I was annoyed, but I figured it just didn't see me, so I waited for the next one…which passed AGAIN…I was so mad to say the least, like seriously WHY ISN'T UTA STOPPING AT ITS STOP?! So I looked around again, and decided to pull out my phone to read the location number to call UTA, and then it hits me…THIS ISNT A BUS STOP, THIS IS A SPEED LIMIT SIGN AND YOU'VE BEEN STANDING HERE FOR 15 MINUTES LOOKING LIKE A STUPID PERSON!…I was beyond embarrassed…I found the bus stop up one more block…After finding the real bus stop, there was nothing else eventful and I made it home…

But lets go back to the beginning, I didn't take my cane that day…I wanted to be "NORMAL" and ended up looking stupid…and so I kept thinking even if I had my cane, I would've gotten lost, that stupid think is useless…so I've been on cane strike…I haven't taken my cane out since…(well, I took it with me to do my volunteer work on Friday, but it ended up in my bag..)

LET ME EXPLAIN CANE STRIKE:

• NO DEPTH PERCEPTION=MISS STEPS CONSTANTLY
• NIGHT BLIND=FOLLOW PEOPLE INSTEAD OF BEING BY THEM..
• UNFAMILIAR PLACES…JUST NO….
• NOBODY KNOWS I HAVE A VISION IMPAIRMENT, SO IM JUST WEIRD GETTING CLOSE TO EVERYTHING!
• ITS PROBABLY NOT SAFE.

SO WHAT ARE THE POSITIVE, THAT SEEMED NEGATIVE.

• I CAN BE NORMAL…

Thats not a good positive…

I'm on cane strike right now until further notice…so when I'm covered in bruises, you'll know why…

It may not last too long...

Decision making dilemma

This post is my honest feelings about life and some decisions that I need to force myself to make fairly soon..So with that being said, I'm gonna start...

Why do I always take on so much? I don't know what I've gotten myself into anymore. I'm in college...better yet, I'm struggling in college...and 85% goes back on my disability..

I'm right now taking 15 credit hours this semester trying to be "normal" and graduate in four years..that's what normal people do? You know, the ones without disabilities.. Last semester, I was pulling C's and B's, which is not where I want to be...and that was with only 14 credits...

I came home from classes many times crying because I couldn't do it.. I was tired of fighting professors, getting lost on campus, tripping everywhere on random steps, not being accommodated, struggling the most I have in my life with eye strain and fatigue...honestly, I was miserable...I didn't tell anybody this was going on because I was trying to go back in hiding about my eyes...it's easier that way...I still used my cane, but when you were forced to teach yourself your cane, it's not always helpful...I wanted everyone to think everything was "fine" when deep down, I was struggling...

I wasn't taught technology, to be honest, I use the zoom on my computer, and my victorstream is still in the box because I can't figure out how to set it up...and I hate that because I loved the victor...I was never taught cane travel or O&M..or I was for like 3 months, that really doesn't count..how is once a month for 3 months supposed to help? And my braille is iffy, after all, they quit teaching me in 6th grade...7 years ago..

So now I'm faced with a dilemma, a roadblock, a bump in the road, or whatever else you want to call it...

Do I stay in college until I graduate, or do I take a year off of school and go to blind training and learn my cane skills, Braille, and technology?

There are pros and cons to both options...
Pro School: done earlier, career sooner, "normalcy"
Con School: struggle, stress, struggle, cry, did I mention struggle!
Pro Training: learn the skills I need to have. To be okay with the loss of vision...
Con Training: I'm not ready to face the fact I'm losing my vision...

...can you see my issue?
I compare myself to everyone else, and want to live like "normal" college students, and going through BLIND TRAINING is not what normal college kids have to face... And those words hurt...because I don't want to deal with it all...there was a reason I hid my blindness for so long...and I'm not ready to go through training and have to see that....

And if I choose blind training, do I leave Utah or stay here? Again, pros and cons...I KNOW everyone here in Utah, I don't want to go through something so life changing and not have someone I know to fall back on..but I know everyone here! So would I not work as hard because of that? Again, pros and cons...Utah? Colorado? Louisiana? UVU? Decisions..

I think I know what I should do, but if I wasn't so damn stubborn I would take my own advice!! Isn't it me who says vision is overrated anyways? So why can't I suck it up, realize I'm blind, do this training for 6-12 months, and get on with my life?! Eff?...

Stupid legal blindness...

I'm not sure what I'm ready to do...The only thing I'm sure of is that I have so much homework to do that I want to die at the end! And I have no large print material this semester..AGAIN...

Don't be suprised if you get a call from a Chel overwhelmed with life these next few months...

Anyways...this is where I am in my life right now...and any help with this would be great....
I need a break...


Ps. Thanks Gus and Shonna for your advice today..

I've lived this my whole life,..I'm tired of it..

But you look normal...

I can't count how many times I have gotten the question "what are your sticks?"  Or how many times I have been asked "How many fingers am I holding up?"  I guess that all comes along with being legally blind, but no matter how many times you answer the question, it tears at you that "normal" people don't have to answer questions for complete strangers.

Just last night I was out with my friend Madelyn at City Creek Center in SLC, as we were waiting to cross a street both with canes in our hand, an older gentleman asked us the usual question "What are your sticks for?" Maddy seems pretty pro at answering this question and so she answered the man. She explained that we were legally blind. The old man responded "I never would have guessed, you two look normal." We crossed the street and got on our way. (Maddy knows that mall, I seriously would have gotten lost without that girlie!)

After some dinner and shopping, we waited at trax to head back home for the night. (She was heading back up to the U and I was heading to FrontRunner to come back to Orem) a middle aged man asked us a usual blindness question, except I had never heard it phrased the way he said it. "What is your eye rating?" We again responded and this time went into detail of our eye conditions (my albinism and her glaucoma is what we told the man.) he again told us that we looked "too pretty" and he wouldn't have guessed..that was a little weird..

I've thought about what both men said to both Madelyn and I, and it made me wonder What is normal? What are we being compared to when they say we look normal? Do blind people look different than average people?

Our eyes look normal, I'll give some credit there. Maddy has blue eyes, I have hazel eyes, my eyes wiggle (nystagmus) her eyes don't. Our eyes just don't work the way normal eyes work.

We look normal, the only thing that gives our eye problem away is our canes, (or lack of, I'm sure running into everything would give it away also!) but we ARE normal, just with abnormal eyes.

And that is just my eye post on looking normal...

I have Albinism..but when you think albinism, you think ALL WHITE..the problem with that is I have color...I'm not pale white, I don't have platinum hair, and my vision isn't common to albinism.
I have a pretty rare type of albinism...HPS..and that comes with a bleeding problem (like seriously, no wonder I'm always a walking bruise!) so when I say I'm albino, not many believe me because I have color...again, normal! 

I guess I shouldn't get annoyed when we are told we look normal, because after all isn't that a good thing? Blind people are normal...and what is normal anyways??

Crystal clear? I don't get it...

When I was in elementary school, I had a friend named June. She lived on the next block over from me, but we still played a lot...after all, the next block over wasn't far at all. We would go to the park and play the same gave each time, it was about two sisters named crystal and clear. One sister was blind and the other sister wasn't.(I think this is how we played my disability into our playing)

I can't remember now why we started playing this pretend game, but I do remember the reasons for the names. They were crystal and clear because sometimes crystals were cloudy and you couldn't see through them..just like how I explained my eyes, I just couldn't see through them very well.(I believe my vision at this time was 20/200)

It's been 10 years since we played this game, and in these 10 years I've lost touch with her, but I remember this game so vividly, her dog was my seeing eye dog for the game, and we pretended everything was braille (I had been learning braille at this time) and my disability was big in this game.

In the time since we have played this game, so much has changed with my life, my eyes, and everything else, and I look back at this game and find it funny that my young self was trying to prepare my future self for what might not just be a game...because I see the world from cloudy crystal eyes, and need to start looking at not using my eyes...because after all, the world may not always be CRYSTAL CLEAR.